February bliss

I started my February with a weak system of emotions rolled with tons of responsibilities to deal with. I  blamed myself for all the inconsistencies in my life that I could have controlled only if I wasn't that too histrionic. And my failure to identify, to disclose, to make sense with my inner struggle added up the intensity. For once, I just want to let loose, to detached from myself. I knew for a fact that I am a difficult person to deal with, but never understood how exhausting I was to be around. I willed to let go of this part of me.

I wanted to be not unhappy. Maybe it was a repercussion of a lame spark of hope from too much despair that spurred this sudden caprice. I felt that I needed to be out from wherever I was in, that the long solace this circle has offered me can't give me anything fine and dandy anymore. I tried to reach out.

I conversed my feelings over cups of caffeine with, what I call, friends. I used that term loosely these days. I opened my mouth without really pondering about what was worth sharing and what was I am only capable of making others understand, I was relieved that my silence in lack of better things to say to further explain didn't freak them out, though.

Despite my raveled struggles within, I was able to enjoy my February. I learned tons of things actually. I learned the art of convincing, if that doesn't sound so poetic. Perspective is very important, I think it is more valuable than reality. I will worry more about my well-being rather than destroying the little ruins left from my daily fall, I promised myself that.

Actually, I have been grateful lately. For the small burst of laughters, unexpected meetings and conversations,  small and big compliments about the big and small things I have done, those things matter to me an enormous amount these times. I can 't reconcile if things are just getting better or it is me experiencing emotional and psychological growth. But either way, I'm savoring the time.