Not knowing.

It started when I posted something about having a boyfriend this year on twitter. It was a flimsily conjured idea, insubstantial and was only said to make myself look cute, but the implications of the conversations that went through after were definitely not trivial (well, at least to me).

It was not still clear if I were just being too sensitive and negative that I hated talking to anyone again about  me being single and probably dying alone with my 7 cats, but I was sure that I will not be at any good in  taking things related to such kind of issue anymore. It was something to have friends who were really pushing me to be in a relationship, like settling for some random anyone. The cynical and pessimist side of me overtook so swiftly that it reigned my thoughts. Cannot  I be at my best even without a partner? Or were they just too tired of caring about me and our friendship that they opted to an easy way of just finding me someone that will make me feel complete like how their theory insists? Or maybe they were just scared of breaking our pinky promise to each other - that we will be happy together with our partners one day?

Days after, the feeling of a lump forming in my throat still fresh in my mind. For one thing, they have to accept how complicated I am and how difficult it would be to have me around, that I will not settle for anyone I do not really like or love. And as if they have forgotten, relationship is a consensual decision. Mutuality must be present, I mean mutual feelings should be there, and as hard as I want to admit it, I am not the kind of person that is easy to love.

Since I have been feeling like a loser for these brilliant realizations lately, I dragged myself out of my usual bahay-school route. And in my way of trying to make sense with the world, I met a friend who seems like living my life (only that I am younger than her for roughly 7 years). She lives in a book - a place which is far more real than we own. Her name is Emily, a hollywood publicity pro extraordinaire, who wants the life her best friends seem to have - a perfect man. Carrie Gerlach brought her to existence. And it scares me that Emily will never find her man and the same "tragedy" will happen to me. Good thing that I checked the author's profile, she is married. Knowing that assures me that the answer is written somewhere in the book (if Emily would only know what went wrong), I just have to be mindful of it.